I say a tearful goodbye to who I was and reach down to let go of the last piece of skin dangling at my feet, and watch it fly behind me from my rear view mirror.

I will never be her again.

If you allow it, mindfulness can play a significant role in your adoption journey. Mindfulness is about taking the time to process information and acting with a chosen response. In a world saturated with social media, instant gratification, and knee-jerk reactions we lose the quality of responding thoughtfully. 

I wanted to roll over this morning and feel and find the joy. I wanted so much to make this birthday different, it should be different, but as every moment before this, it’s never what I expect or what I think it should be. The contrasting emotions have been brewing in my chest for a week now, and though this year was a smoother ride than years before, I still find myself begging for relief.

Before delivery, and after I had voiced my decision to place my baby girl for adoption, I had many people openly doubt my choice. They questioned the process, they questioned my motives, they questioned everything, but I was confident in my decision.

Before the new school year started, we sat our children down and went over these seven values. We discussed each one and asked our children if they had any questions about what was written on the chalkboard and why they are important. The one that presented the most questions, to my surprise, was number 5.

Her words pierced through my heart. There was honesty in her statement and resentment that couldn’t be softened by my reply. She was frustrated, upset, and too young to understand the why behind my decision to place her half-sister for adoption.

I have never looked back on a moment in my life and said I’m so glad I worried about that.

I had to reevaluate my definition of success. I had to rediscover my worth. I was forced to look at who I am now without the titles. It was also a revolving lesson on how to be a "stay at home mom" again. It was a constant inner struggle to convince myself I could accomplish my goal. 

I started with one simple question, what do I believe? Five pages later I marveled at my own responses. I challenge you to write down what YOU believe. You will be surprised what comes easily, what makes you stop and think, and what scares you a little. 

A picture is worth a thousand words.

I love this picture of myself. (shocker! Yes, I actually said I love a picture of myself) The longer I look at it the more I appreciate it. Let me tell you why. 

BE YOURSELF!

As a birth mother, I cannot stress this one enough. Being your authentic self can sound cliche, but if there is a golden rule for adoption profiles this is it!

I was heartbroken, alone, and feeling sorry for myself. I didn’t want to read about their perfect lives and how badly they wanted what, at that time, I didn’t want. I didn’t want to be pregnant. I didn’t want to pick any of them.