The Big Fat Lie & Fiery Red Nails

One year ago I stepped away from the luxury of a paycheck and started this wild adventure of writing my adoption memoir. The first three months felt like a vacation and a whirlwind of shock. I also had to discover how one even begins to write a book.

I was clueless!

I had to reevaluate my definition of success. I had to rediscover my worth. I was forced to look at who I am now without the titles. It was also a revolving lesson on how to be a "stay at home mom" again. It was a constant inner struggle to convince myself I could accomplish my goal. 

Growing up, I always admired women who worked outside of the home. I measured success by the title you had earned, the size of your paycheck, and where society placed you on the business ladder. I wanted to be that working woman at the top of the business ladder! I had an urgency and desire to prove myself to society, my peers, and to my doubting self that I could remove the label, I had been given... 

A teenage pregnancy.

I had a thirst to rise above the statistics. And for a while, I was doing just that. I had the title of Manager. I was making a decent living and providing for my family; all without a college degree and yes, that damn label I was given at such a young age.

I felt the big fat lie of success. 

In return, I also felt stressed out, overworked, agitated, and far from who I truly was. I battled my inner critic that success + paycheck = happiness. 

So, why wasn't I happy?

I took pride in my job. I worked hard, and I was loyal, I was sincere in my words and my work. I built friendships and connections I felt were real and genuine. I can be quite the workhorse if I am not careful to balance. 

During my concussion, I would meditate, some days for an hour at a time. Most days it was the only relief and comfort I could find. After my meditations, I would journal, the best way that I could and I found myself writing...

I am a Writer!

Over and over again. I am a Writer! I am a Writer! I remember looking back at my artistic scribbling and thinking, "okay, I guess I am a writer."  I can't believe I didn't recognize EVERY sign that has followed me throughout my life to confirm this is who I am.

I was too busy believing the BIG FAT LIE! I was chasing a dream that wasn't mine. I was trying to prove society wrong; that I could be successful and break the statistics. I was blinded by my desire to have the title and the paycheck to claim my place on the ladder. I believed the BIG FAT LIE that success + paycheck = happiness.

I was wrong!

After a year of searching deeper within myself, I have found self-worth that is not attached to any amount of money. I have met some incredibly talented friends who inspire and push me daily. I have connected with my higher self, where I know the power of manifestation, affirmations, and believing in myself! 

I didn't fall into a perfect scenario and enlightenment right away. It took a lot of hard work, in the middle of self-doubts. I stayed consistent, on easy and hard days, and I stayed true to those simple four words... I am a Writer!

I no longer place my happiness or my view of success on any title, statistic or outside opinion. Happiness is not attached to this earth. Happiness is found within ourselves. My new equation:

success + awareness = happiness

I use success lightly in this equation. Success is an inner fulfillment which range cannot be rated or compared by outside sources. You measure your level of success based on how you feel about yourself. 

At my full-time job, I was required to make YouTube videos, mostly of me recreating artwork. I would get my nails done the day or so before. If you know me, I am not your typical girly girl, paint your nails, but I do enjoy dressing up now and then. After a year of getting my nails done, I grew to love it, and often picked fiery red as my favorite. 

This year has led me down a path of discovering self, awakening my inner calling, and testing my power of creating my reality. I have no regrets about the path I have taken. Believing in the big fat lie taught me a lot and appreciating my past only enlightens my future. 

I am successfully happy and whole!

I am proud to announce I have completed my first draft of my adoption memoir, along with the first draft edits. I am open and ready to smash this massive boulder that has been placed in front of me and start my second book. I have fewer steps to take than it took to get here and I am beyond proud of myself.

I now know how to write a book!

In honor of where I have been and the road I am on now, I painted my nails fiery red, I have not done so since I quit. Every time I look down and see them I think about the BIG FAT LIE and what it has taught me. I think about friendships that I miss and the courage they gave me to move forward. I think about the inner knowledge I have gained, and I feel proud of who I am. My firey red nails represent the fierce woman I have become and I can say whole heartedly...

I no longer need a ladder to know I am at the top!