Turning 40!

40 - I have been watching you in the wings with conflicting reactions - stiffed arms stretched out in front of me, blocking you with all my strength AND a calm gesture of come closer, “I’m ready.” I have ebbed and flowed through this idea that as I “age” I’m supposed to feel tired, wrinkled, old, and forgotten. Like a well-worn pair of shoes someone used to be obsessed over, but they have now lost their hype.

Women are sad and depressed when they turn forty... right? I’m now a part of being “old” and I’ve sat in that space here and there - hence the stiff arms.

BUT for the majority of the past decade, I have welcomed turning 40.

In my twenties, I was told I “looked” 20 but had experienced enough to speak like I was 40. That comment stuck with me, as many words do that confirm what we already know but can't articulate. At the time, I didn’t fully understand it, but something inside of me knew to turn 40 would be a significant time in my life.

I’m sitting with 40, in my newly matched, sparkling, beautiful skin, all I can do is cry - it's like I woke up in a body that finally matches every other part of who I am - my thoughts and mind now match this number we call age. And honestly, the strongest emotion I’ve had thus far (since I’ve been 40 now for 12 hours) is PRIDE!

I have held hands with the little girl who felt so deeply and didn’t understand why. I have sat with her in her tweens as she started writing poetry about suicide, death, ghosts, depression, and explained why.

I have held her as a teenager when she made mistakes she never thought she could forgive - and helped her forgive. I went back and grieved with her as she blindly navigated her 20s. We talked together about how she is NOT her decisions.

I have wiped old, long-running tears, healed from trauma, forgiven myself (so much forgiveness), sang to that sweet little girl who never felt “smart enough,” surrounded myself with people who see me, listened to my body, strengthened my intuitive abilities, accepted myself, and FINALLY, finally, I can feel the stillness of all my HARD work - I can feel it!

40 - I see you, I feel you, and I LOVE YOU!

“All my life I had tried to complete myself with other people. And now I just want to belong to myself.” - sue monk kidd