Free!

You can’t see the tears in my eyes in this picture - but this is me, crying as I am driving a four-wheeler.

Four years ago, I suffered a severe concussion that changed a lot in my life and continues to change. It was one of the hardest experiences I have ever been through.

Since that time, I shy away from pretty much anything where I could potentially fall or get hurt. I know it sounds a bit ridiculous, but its the sad truth. Even driving or riding on a four-wheeler. My body has not felt the thrill of adrenaline in quite some time. Over New Year’s Eve, my family had the privilege to stay in a cabin and enjoy riding four-wheelers, playing games, and snowshoeing. It was a great weekend!

My oldest son invited me to jump on the back of his four-wheeler and at first, I hesitated. I was scared, but I wanted to enjoy that time with him, so I got on. I screamed and laughed, and tightly held on. I couldn’t believe how freeing it felt! After I explained how great it felt to my husband, he encouraged me to drive the four-wheeler myself, with a helmet on, of course. I hesitated again, but damn, I was having fun.

I started a little slow and then faster as I went around the cabin, nothing too adventurous, but it sent a rush to my brain that has been absent for too long! I enjoy hiking, snowshoeing, and doing yoga, but aside from that, there is not much “adventure” or exercise in my life. My husband said I can hear you screaming then laughing, then screaming again, and laughing. Little did he know I was also crying—so many emotions all at once.

As I drove around alone, I stopped for a minute and took this picture. I wanted to remember how good it felt to feel FREE! To not worry about what might happen, but just live! I need to push myself a bit more, while also being smart. I need to trust my body and its ability to recover and heal (another reason why TRUST is my word for 2020).

I am grateful for this moment and the awareness it brought to keep living, moving my body, and pushing myself.