To My Little Butterfly,
You are not so little anymore. In fact, you will turn 17 years old next week. It’s been 6,205 days since I held you last. It feels like day 3. If I could turn back time, I would spend just one more day with you, until that one more day turned into 100’s and then 1,000’s of days. It’s easy for me now to wish you were here, sitting next to me, as I type my innermost hopes and dreams for you. I want to look over and see your angelic face looking back at me. I’d see 17 years of wiped tears, encouragement, friendship, love, and memories. I deeply want that to be our story but it’s not, is it?
Our story is one of sacrifice, selflessness, unconditional love, and a gift. Our story has placed hundreds of miles between us, from the time you were 6 days old. I can’t look in your eyes and see years of memories. I can’t even pretend to know who you are or who you want to become. However, I can look myself in the mirror and see YOU there. I can see you in every memory I have over the past 17 years.
I see long nights full of tears and anguish, following the weeks and months after we said goodbye. I see the subconscious fear that someone or something would take my second born child. I see YOU in every birth mother basket that we shared with thousands of grieving birth moms. I would see YOU every time I shared our story, at hundreds of adoption conferences, retreats, and classes. I see YOU in her, my third child, a beautiful baby girl. I see days of teaching JD, Evie, and Jett about YOU, about adoption, about grief, and about patience. I see yearly birthday cakes filled with a wave of emotions. Each year was celebrated by a family who all love and adore YOU and our story. I see years of learning who I am, without you.
No other moment in my life has shaped me more than that of letting you go. No other moment has taught me more about myself, about becoming a mother, and about selfless LOVE. You see, my little butterfly, it may have been 6,205 days since I last held you but it hasn’t been 17 years since I have LOVED you last!
YOU are very much a part of ME.
As you turn 17 years old, and you begin to discover yourself and prepare to be on your own, my hope is that you’ll look back and know without a doubt that I was always with you.
- Be CONFIDENT, my little butterfly. You were brought to this world to share your passion and love with others. Do not shy away from that.
- FIND your passion! Look within, search your soul, and live out your dream.
- Believe in the impossible! No mountain is too high, no goal is too hard, no task is too big, that you cannot achieve it. Believe in YOUR power.
- LOVE yourself, my little butterfly. Talk nicely to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Remember your worth.
- Experience it ALL. This world is full of so much beauty and knowledge. Take the time to smell the roses, go on a long hike, eat the donut, meet new people, listen, learn, engage, and be YOURSELF.
I love you from the deepest parts of my heart & soul.
Your Birth Mom